There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
