How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Your penis caused this!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
