Capitaan dildo arrescate!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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