I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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