My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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