I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
