Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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