You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
