i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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