the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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