so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
