Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
