I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
