you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
