just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
