just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This baby is an asshole
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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