I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
