he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
