So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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