Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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