so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
