I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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