I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
