Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
