Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize