im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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