So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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