shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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