i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It's like God shit irony all over that family
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize