he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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