a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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