How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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