you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
