Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
And then my night got REAL pukey
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
