He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
