I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i dont even know how to be here
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
