Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
