i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
