so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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