There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
