Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How does it feel to date your dad?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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