I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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