my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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