I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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