I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize