after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
