No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
