i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Randomize
