dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
