So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
