the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
