Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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