I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
