I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You left your phone here
Wait...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
