She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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