Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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