Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
